When things are not going well, we have to talk to each other. And even when things are going, the injunction to communicate as a couple, advocated by magazines, appears unavoidable. However, I meet couples who spend nights chatting and who do not get along any better.
We are afraid of being confronted with silence. Staying face to face without a word, without being engrossed in a particular activity, is often considered impossible. However, apart from material and informative necessities – communicating on common projects, vacations, work or children – when is the word really necessary in married life?
→ CHRONICLE. Cultivate silence
Of course to express distress, to share difficult times with the spouse, to know that he can hear it, and thus request his presence. Speech is then a desire for a link, not always calling for a particular intervention. Of course also to express joy, and sometimes an exclamation is enough in front of the shared beauty of a landscape, of a work or of a child.
But still, to explain and to understand: I joked too easily about couples who talk to each other excessively. It is necessary, in fact, to take the time to state what had not been understood by the other half-word, a personal project that we would like to become common, a confused feeling that we know to try expressing it to the one who shares our life will help to see clearly. But the explanation has a limit. It is valid insofar as it is heard in depth, and an insistent speech has no more significance.
“Right words emerge from silence”
And the silence? I try, by analyzing the limits and the shortcomings of speech – or rather speeches with which we hide more than we show ourselves – to highlight what is difficult to describe, the quality of silence. Say, for example, a word after the silence of the night. Say a word to his companion when getting up in the morning, a word which means that we have looked at him (e) and that we note his freshness or his fatigue, that we perceive the morning joy or the imprint of a difficult night. Speech feeds on silence, and draws its strength from it. Because silence highlights what we do not say. He introduces the gestures of the other that we had not been able to see when we were too busy with the dance of words.
Right words emerge from silence. Silence is not empty, it is filled with what one perceives beyond the barrier of speech. The maturity of a couple is also that: looking at each other, holding hands or making love without immersing themselves in a reassuring babble.
By inhabiting the fabric of silence, we rediscover the function of speech which tears the night apart, which offers a little clarity. Freud thus relates the story of a little boy who cannot sleep. In the darkness of his room, he asks his aunt, who is in another room: “Aunt, talk to me. “ ” Why ? “, answers his aunt. And the child to reply: “It gets brighter when someone is talking. “
The clarity of speech feeds on and completes silence. And the words that emerge then inhabit silence, like a few flowers in the middle of an immense space.