Life Style

The marital art of war

Sometimes war is declared between couples. Sometimes it’s a simple battle, with a cuddly reconciliation at stake. Some couples don’t hate fighting once in a while and then reconciling in a powerful way. In the famous movie The shop around the corner by Ernst Lubitsch, a (future) couple hate each other in reality and adore each other by post during the exchange of romantic letters, without knowing their daily warlike proximity. Hating and adoring each other can therefore be a “game”, the game of love that cannot be confessed. Or which is said by the means of the confrontation.

Each in his camp while waiting for the missiles

The reality is often quite different. She does not mimic the dose of aggressiveness necessary to be able to find herself in a renewed way but rather she stages a more deadly situation. It’s all the difference between acting – which assumes a dose of humor and self-centeredness – and real violence where you lose your sense of proportion. When war is actually declared, it can turn into trench warfare, each on their side waiting for the missiles of the other protagonist.

→ CHRONICLE. Why make a couple?

When it is installed, it is difficult to get out of it, because in this case one becomes quite binary: the problem is the other. So it’s up to the other to hoist the white flag and surrender. What he doesn’t want to do since he thinks the same thing. “The enemy is stupid”, asserted Pierre Desproges. “He believes that we are the enemy when it is he. ” The most astonishing is that some couples “Dysfunctional”, that is to say in continuous war, can last a long time, until the death of one of the two belligerents. And when you have fought all your life and the adversary runs out, it can generate a bereavement that is sometimes more painful than after an existence of shared serenity!

Return on oneself

So the question is prevention. How not to get bogged down in these endless wars? The “solution” is thus, in some cases, separation. It is better to have a (not too) painful divorce than a joint existence dragging on in conflict.

In other cases, the problem of the couple refers each to very personal questions: his own expectations, more or less ideal, vis-à-vis married life, expectations necessarily disappointed. Sometimes the spouse is really incapable or, worse, an unsavory person. Most often, this is not the case, and it is difficult to take the path of nuanced thought. It means letting go of our comforting certainties. The observation of the couple’s war then becomes a path of return on oneself, and in particular on the illusions that one has nourished and lost, and on the way in which each one seeks (or not) to make carry his pain of living to his. joint.

→ MAINTENANCE. Jacques Arènes: “Acting as gardeners of love”

The result may be distressing or painful (like a separation) but we will have gained in nuance, in realism, and simply in self-knowledge. “The enemy” then becomes a good teacher. If the couple can survive the war and rebuild differently, that doesn’t necessarily mean accepting boredom. Armistices are, in principle, moments of jubilation.


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