The cross : What determines our romantic choices?
Saverio Tomasella: We often choose people who look like our parents or our grandparents or who come from the same social background as us. It can be a physical resemblance, the same way of being or similar cultural tastes. Others make this choice in opposition to these same figures, because they are revolted against their family or their environment.
One can also choose a romantic partner to rediscover the intensity of the emotions and feelings felt in childhood or adolescence. Finally, our choices can also be more subjective, without being determined by our history. There is a part of attraction and excitement related to the physique of the other. We can be sensitive to an eye or hair color, to a smell, a gait, a voice…
Why are we sometimes attracted to toxic people?
ST : Our choices are also determined by our traumas. A person who was abused, mistreated or who experienced a situation of abandonment in childhood, will tend to seek the same type of relationship with the same type of person. She will do this, unconsciously, to try to understand the trauma by revisiting it one or more times, and feeling that she has better control of this type of relationship. These people tend to believe that the problems come from them and want to improve, in some way, with each new relationship. Which locks them into a reissue of the same love stories.
Others choose the wrong partner because they lack self-confidence and will seek out a seducer who flatters them and inflates their ego. The problem is that in general, these kind of people change once they have succeeded in their conquest.
How to put an end to the spiral of failure in love?
ST : Sometimes, we come out of it almost in spite of ourselves. Our unconscious thinks it is choosing the “wrong” person, as in the trauma, but this one will turn out to be different. And this relationship puts an end to the spiral of love failure. It’s not that rare. Other times, it’s the pain that makes you aware of the confinement. At the beginning, there is almost a joy in living through difficult times. Then we think we’re going to be stronger than the destructive partner. And then one day, the breakup hurts too much and you don’t want to continue to suffer. Some then understand that they have always been attracted to the same kind of people. Others realize that they need therapy to understand what is behind these failures and change the direction of their love quest.